Me ofreció un ataúd sucio. ¡Ni que hubiera sido cualquier vampiro!

Questions & Answers about Me ofreció un ataúd sucio. ¡Ni que hubiera sido cualquier vampiro!

Why does this sentence use the past perfect subjunctive (hubiera sido) after ¡ni que! instead of the imperfect subjunctive (fuera)?
The phrase ¡ni que! is used for indignant rejection, meaning 'As if...!' We use the past perfect subjunctive (hubiera sido) because the speaker is reacting to a completed past event (being offered the coffin). If they wanted to state a general, ongoing fact about their identity, they could use the imperfect subjunctive (fuera) to mean 'As if I were...'. Here, it specifically means 'As if I had been... at that moment.'
Why does cualquier drop its final 'a' here, and what does it mean in this context?
The word cualquiera generally means 'any', but it drops the final 'a' (becoming cualquier) whenever it comes directly before a singular noun, whether that noun is masculine or feminine. When placed before a noun like this, it takes on the meaning of 'just any' or 'an ordinary' thing. So, cualquier vampiro translates to 'just any ordinary vampire.'
How can we tell that the subject of hubiera sido is 'I' and not 'he' or 'she'?
In both the imperfect and past perfect subjunctive, the conjugations for 'I' (yo) and 'he/she/it' (él/ella/usted) are exactly the same. You always have to rely on context to tell them apart. Since the first half says Me ofreció (He offered me), the speaker is the one feeling personally insulted, making it clear they mean 'As if I had been...' rather than 'As if he had been...'
Could we use habría sido (the conditional perfect) instead of hubiera sido here?
No, the expression ¡ni que! always triggers the subjunctive mood because it introduces a highly emotional, contrary-to-fact scenario (the speaker is definitely not just any vampire). Even though in English we might say 'As if I would have been,' Spanish strictly requires the subjunctive (hubiera sido or fuera) after this phrase, never the conditional.

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