Indignant rejection (¡ni que!)

Even an immortal creature of the night has standards. When a snobby vampire is offered a dusty coffin or a terrible vintage, a simple "no" won't do.

Sarcastic rejection: ¡Ni que!

To express indignant or sarcastic rejection, Spanish speakers use the phrase ¡ni que! (as if!). Because this phrase sets up a hypothetical or ridiculous scenario, it always triggers the subjunctive.

When scoffing at a present situation or an ongoing characteristic, use the imperfect subjunctive.

I would not use that coffin. As if I were just any vampire!
No usaría ese ataúd. ¡Ni que fuera un vampiro cualquiera!
The servant must not bring it to me. As if I ate something disgusting!
El sirviente no debe traérmelo. ¡Ni que comiera algo asqueroso!
I do what I want. As if I drank from just any vein!
Hago lo que quiero. ¡Ni que bebiera de cualquier vena!

Reacting to the past

For past events ("As if I had done that!"), use the past perfect subjunctive.

Form this with the imperfect subjunctive of haber (hubiera, hubieras, etc.) and a past participle.

He offered me a dirty coffin. As if I had been just any vampire!
Me ofreció un ataúd sucio. ¡Ni que hubiera sido cualquier vampiro!
The servant brought an unworthy dish. As if I had eaten it!
El sirviente trajo un plato indigno. ¡Ni que me lo hubiera comido!

Scoffing at others

You can use the exact same structure in the third person to indignantly reject rumors or expectations about someone else.

As if the count would drink from a disgusting glass!
¡Ni que el conde bebiera de un vaso asqueroso!
As if the count had slept in that dirty coffin!
¡Ni que el conde hubiera dormido en ese ataúd sucio!