Every reflexive verb in French — every verb conjugated with me, te, se, nous, vous, se — uses être as its auxiliary in compound tenses. There are no exceptions to this. Se laver, se lever, se réveiller, s'habiller, se souvenir — all of them, in the passé composé, take a form of être + past participle. Je me suis lavé, tu t'es levé, ils se sont rencontrés.
The rule is easy to state. The complication, and there's a real one, is agreement. Reflexive participles look like they should agree with the subject (and most of the time they do), but the underlying rule is actually that they agree with a preceding direct object — and the reflexive pronoun usually is that direct object, which is why the surface result looks like subject agreement. When the reflexive is an indirect object, agreement disappears. This is one of the most tested points in French dictation.
The mechanics
Take the conjugated form of être in the present, sandwich the reflexive pronoun between subject and auxiliary, and follow with the past participle.
| Subject | refl. pronoun + être + part. | Translation |
|---|---|---|
| je | je me suis lavé(e) | I washed (myself) |
| tu | tu t'es lavé(e) | you washed |
| il / on | il s'est lavé | he washed |
| elle | elle s'est lavée | she washed |
| nous | nous nous sommes lavé(e)s | we washed |
| vous | vous vous êtes lavé(e)(s) | you washed |
| ils | ils se sont lavés | they washed |
| elles | elles se sont lavées | they (f.) washed |
Note the position: subject — reflexive pronoun — auxiliary — past participle. The reflexive pronoun never moves to the other side of the auxiliary. Je me suis lavé, never je suis me lavé.
In negation, ne goes between the subject and the reflexive pronoun, and pas goes after the auxiliary: je ne me suis pas lavé. Both halves of the negation hug the reflexive-and-auxiliary cluster from outside; nothing else slides in.
Je me suis levé tôt ce matin.
I got up early this morning.
Tu t'es bien reposé pendant les vacances ?
Did you rest well during the holidays?
Elle s'est endormie sur le canapé.
She fell asleep on the couch.
Nous nous sommes promenés au bord de la mer.
We took a walk by the sea.
Ils se sont rencontrés à l'université il y a vingt ans.
They met at university twenty years ago.
Je ne me suis pas rasé ce matin.
I didn't shave this morning.
High-frequency reflexive verbs
The reflexives below cover most of daily routine, emotion, and movement. All of them use être in the passé composé.
| Verb | Meaning | Past participle |
|---|---|---|
| se lever | to get up | levé |
| se réveiller | to wake up | réveillé |
| se coucher | to go to bed | couché |
| s'endormir | to fall asleep | endormi |
| s'habiller | to get dressed | habillé |
| se laver | to wash up | lavé |
| se brosser (les dents) | to brush (one's teeth) | brossé |
| se peigner | to comb one's hair | peigné |
| se maquiller | to put on makeup | maquillé |
| se raser | to shave | rasé |
| se promener | to take a walk | promené |
| se reposer | to rest | reposé |
| se baigner | to bathe, to swim | baigné |
| s'asseoir | to sit down | assis |
| se rappeler | to remember | rappelé |
| se souvenir (de) | to remember | souvenu |
| se dépêcher | to hurry | dépêché |
| s'amuser | to have fun | amusé |
| s'ennuyer | to be bored | ennuyé |
| se fâcher | to get angry | fâché |
| se tromper | to be mistaken | trompé |
Why agreement is delicate
Here is the real subtlety. The agreement rule for pronominal verbs looks like the être rule (agree with the subject) but is actually the avoir rule (agree with a preceding direct object) in disguise. The trick is that the reflexive pronoun usually plays the role of direct object, and since the reflexive pronoun refers to the subject, agreement-with-preceding-DO ends up looking identical to agreement-with-subject — until it doesn't.
Consider the contrast:
Elle s'est lavée.
She washed (herself). — se = direct object → agreement (lavée).
Elle s'est lavé les mains.
She washed her hands. — se is indirect (washed for herself), les mains is the direct object but it follows the verb → no agreement (lavé).
In elle s'est lavée, se is the direct object of laver ("she washed herself"), and it precedes the verb, so the participle agrees: lavée (feminine singular). In elle s'est lavé les mains, the direct object is les mains — what got washed was the hands, not herself — and se has been demoted to an indirect object meaning "for herself." Since les mains follows the verb, no preceding direct object exists, and the participle stays in its bare form lavé.
This is the entire rule. It is mechanical, not arbitrary, but it requires you to identify the grammatical function of se in each sentence.
The diagnostic
Ask: what is the direct object of the verb?
- If the answer is the reflexive pronoun (she washed herself) → agreement.
- If the answer is something else, and that something else follows the verb → no agreement.
- If the answer is something else, and that something else precedes the verb (rare with reflexives, but possible) → agreement with that something else, not with the reflexive pronoun.
The third case looks like this: Les mains qu'elle s'est lavées ("the hands she washed for herself"). Here les mains is the direct object and it precedes the verb through the relative pronoun que, so the participle agrees with mains: lavées (feminine plural).
Elle s'est coupé le doigt.
She cut her finger. — le doigt is direct, follows verb → coupé (no agreement).
Le doigt qu'elle s'est coupé.
The finger she cut (on herself). — le doigt is direct and precedes the verb → coupé (no -e because doigt is masculine).
Les mains qu'elle s'est lavées.
The hands she washed (for herself). — les mains is direct and precedes → lavées.
For most everyday reflexive uses (se lever, se coucher, se réveiller, se laver, s'habiller, se promener), the reflexive is the direct object and you simply agree with the subject. The trap is reserved for verbs where there's a body part or possession involved.
Verbs that always take an indirect-object reflexive
A handful of common reflexive verbs have a reflexive pronoun that is structurally an indirect object. Their participles never agree with the subject, no matter how it feels:
- se parler ("to talk to oneself / to each other") — parler à quelqu'un takes an indirect object
- se téléphoner ("to call each other") — téléphoner à quelqu'un
- se demander ("to wonder") — demander à quelqu'un
- se plaire ("to please each other / to like a place")
- se ressembler ("to resemble each other")
- se mentir ("to lie to each other")
- se sourire ("to smile at each other")
- se nuire ("to harm each other")
- se succéder ("to follow one another")
Elles se sont parlé pendant deux heures.
They talked to each other for two hours. (no -es; parler is parler à quelqu'un — indirect)
Ils se sont téléphoné tous les jours.
They called each other every day. (téléphoner à quelqu'un — indirect)
Elles se sont demandé pourquoi il n'était pas venu.
They wondered why he hadn't come. (demander à soi-même — indirect)
Les deux sœurs se sont toujours ressemblé.
The two sisters have always resembled each other. (ressembler à — indirect)
The mechanical test: does the underlying verb take à + person? If yes, the reflexive is indirect, and the participle does not agree. Parler à → se parler indirect → no agreement. Laver quelqu'un (no preposition) → se laver direct → agree.
Reciprocal usage
Many of the same verbs serve double duty: se can mean "themselves" (each subject acts on themselves) or "each other" (the subjects act on one another). Both readings use être in the passé composé and follow the same agreement logic.
Ils se sont rencontrés sur le quai.
They met (each other) on the platform.
Nous nous sommes embrassés.
We hugged. / We kissed.
Les deux candidats se sont serré la main.
The two candidates shook hands. (la main is direct, follows verb → no agreement)
The last example is a classic: serrer la main à quelqu'un takes a direct object (la main) and an indirect dative (à quelqu'un). When you reflexivize it, se is the indirect dative, and la main remains the direct object. Since la main follows the verb, no agreement. Many native speakers get this one wrong.
Verbs that are always pronominal
Some French verbs only exist in pronominal form — there is no non-pronominal souvenir or évanouir that means anything. These take être and follow the standard agreement rule.
- se souvenir (de) ("to remember") — je me suis souvenu(e)
- s'évanouir ("to faint") — elle s'est évanouie
- s'enfuir ("to flee") — ils se sont enfuis
- se méfier (de) ("to mistrust") — elle s'est méfiée
- s'envoler ("to fly away") — les oiseaux se sont envolés
- s'absenter ("to leave/be absent") — il s'est absenté
For these, the reflexive pronoun is essentially semantically empty (there's no separable "self" to act on), and agreement is straightforwardly with the subject.
Je me suis souvenue de son nom au dernier moment.
I remembered her name at the last moment. (female speaker)
Elle s'est évanouie pendant la cérémonie.
She fainted during the ceremony.
A clean conjugation drill: se laver in full
For reference, here is se laver with both gender variants visible:
| Subject | m. form | f. form |
|---|---|---|
| je | je me suis lavé | je me suis lavée |
| tu | tu t'es lavé | tu t'es lavée |
| il / elle | il s'est lavé | elle s'est lavée |
| nous | nous nous sommes lavés | nous nous sommes lavées |
| vous | vous vous êtes lavé(e)(s) | vous vous êtes lavée(s) |
| ils / elles | ils se sont lavés | elles se sont lavées |
Now compare with se laver les mains, where agreement disappears because les mains is the direct object:
Elle s'est lavé les mains avant de manger.
She washed her hands before eating. (no agreement — les mains is the direct object)
Elle s'est lavée avant de sortir.
She washed up before going out. (agreement — se is the direct object)
The two sentences differ only by whether a body part is mentioned, but the participle changes form: lavé without -e in the first, lavée with -e in the second.
Comparison with English
English has reflexive pronouns (myself, yourself, themselves) but doesn't really have a productive class of pronominal verbs the way French does. The closest equivalents — to wash up, to get dressed, to wake up, to fall asleep — use particles or different verbs entirely. Je me lève doesn't translate as "I myself raise"; it translates as "I get up." Many French reflexives feel almost intransitive in English.
This is why the agreement question is so foreign: English speakers don't see se as a "real" pronoun the way me, te, le, la feel real, so they don't think of it as a direct object that could trigger participle agreement. Working through the diagnostic — "what's the direct object?" — every time you produce a reflexive past tense is the only fix until the reflex becomes automatic.
Common Mistakes
❌ Je m'ai lavé avant de sortir.
Incorrect — pronominal verbs always take être, never avoir.
✅ Je me suis lavé avant de sortir.
I washed up before going out.
❌ Elle s'est lavé.
Incorrect — when se is the direct object (and the subject is feminine), the participle agrees: lavée.
✅ Elle s'est lavée.
She washed (herself).
❌ Elle s'est lavée les mains.
Incorrect — when les mains is the direct object, the participle does NOT agree, even though the subject is feminine. The form is lavé.
✅ Elle s'est lavé les mains.
She washed her hands.
❌ Ils se sont parlés pendant des heures.
Incorrect — parler à quelqu'un takes an indirect object, so the reflexive is indirect → no agreement. The form is parlé.
✅ Ils se sont parlé pendant des heures.
They talked for hours.
❌ Nous nous avons promenés au parc.
Incorrect — pronominal verbs require être, not avoir.
✅ Nous nous sommes promenés au parc.
We took a walk in the park.
❌ Les filles s'est endormies pendant le film.
Incorrect — the auxiliary must agree with the plural subject: se sont endormies, not s'est.
✅ Les filles se sont endormies pendant le film.
The girls fell asleep during the movie.
❌ Elle s'est demandée si c'était vrai.
Incorrect — demander à quelqu'un is indirect; the reflexive is indirect → no agreement. demandé.
✅ Elle s'est demandé si c'était vrai.
She wondered whether it was true.
Key takeaways
- All reflexive verbs use être as their auxiliary in compound tenses. No exceptions.
- The past participle agrees with a preceding direct object — which is usually (but not always) the reflexive pronoun.
- When se is a direct object (most everyday cases: se lever, se laver, se coucher), the participle agrees with the subject by transitivity.
- When se is an indirect object (se parler, se téléphoner, se demander, s'écrire) or when there's a separate direct object after the verb (se laver les mains), the participle does not agree.
- The diagnostic question is always: what is the direct object, and does it precede the verb?
- Reflexive past-participle agreement is one of the trickier points of French grammar, even for native speakers. Drill it deliberately.
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