When a pronominal verb appears in the passé composé (or any compound tense), it always takes être as its auxiliary. Logic might suggest the past participle should always agree with the subject — elle est partie, elle s'est lavée. But sometimes it doesn't: elle s'est parlé, with no -e even though the subject is feminine. The distinction is one of the more sophisticated points in French grammar, and once you understand it, a whole class of B1–B2 errors disappears.
The rule, stated cleanly: agreement happens when the reflexive pronoun is a direct object of the verb, and is suppressed when the pronoun is an indirect object. To know which it is, you have to look at the underlying verb and ask whether it takes a direct object (laver quelqu'un) or whether it takes a à-phrase (parler à quelqu'un). This page walks through the diagnostic, drills it on common verbs, and addresses the additional twist when there is a separate direct object in the sentence.
The key insight: pronominal agreement uses the avoir-rule, not the être-rule
Everyone learns early that participles agree with the subject when être is the auxiliary: elle est arrivée, ils sont sortis. So why does elle s'est parlé (one woman talked to herself) not have an -e?
Because pronominal verbs are a special case. Even though they are conjugated with être, their participle agreement follows the avoir-rule, not the être-rule. The avoir-rule says: the participle agrees with a direct object that comes before the verb.
So in pronominal compound tenses, the question is: is the reflexive pronoun a direct object, or an indirect object? If direct, it's a preceding direct object → agreement triggered. If indirect, no agreement.
Diagnostic: what does the underlying verb take?
The fastest test is to look at the non-reflexive form of the verb and ask whether the verb takes a direct object or a à-object.
| Non-reflexive form | Reflexive | Function of se | Agreement? |
|---|---|---|---|
| laver quelqu'un | se laver | direct object | yes |
| regarder quelqu'un | se regarder | direct object | yes |
| aimer quelqu'un | s'aimer | direct object | yes |
| parler à quelqu'un | se parler | indirect object | no |
| dire à quelqu'un | se dire | indirect object | no |
| écrire à quelqu'un | s'écrire | indirect object | no |
| téléphoner à quelqu'un | se téléphoner | indirect object | no |
| sourire à quelqu'un | se sourire | indirect object | no |
| plaire à quelqu'un | se plaire | indirect object | no |
| nuire à quelqu'un | se nuire | indirect object | no |
| mentir à quelqu'un | se mentir | indirect object | no |
| succéder à quelqu'un | se succéder | indirect object | no |
If you can say parler *à Marie, then in *Marie se parle the se stands in for the à-phrase — it's an indirect object, and the participle won't agree.
If you say laver Marie (no preposition), then in Marie se lave the se stands in for a direct object — and the participle does agree.
Direct-object se: agreement
When the reflexive pronoun is the direct object of the verb, the past participle agrees with it (and since it refers back to the subject, the agreement effectively matches the subject).
Elle s'est lavée ce matin.
She washed (herself) this morning. (laver someone → se = direct object → agreement: lavée)
Ils se sont vus hier au café.
They saw each other yesterday at the café. (voir someone → se = direct object → agreement: vus)
Camille s'est regardée dans le miroir longtemps.
Camille looked at herself in the mirror for a long time.
Les deux sœurs se sont retrouvées après vingt ans.
The two sisters met up again after twenty years. (retrouver someone → direct → agreement: retrouvées)
The verbs in this group correspond to the most "physical" reflexives — wash, see, regard, find, meet, embrace, hate, love, kill — actions that target a person directly without a preposition. With these verbs, the participle agrees with the subject in gender and number.
Indirect-object se: no agreement
When the reflexive pronoun replaces a à-phrase, it is an indirect object, and the past participle does not agree.
Elle s'est parlé à voix basse.
She talked to herself in a low voice. (parler à someone → se = indirect → no agreement)
Ils se sont parlé pendant des heures.
They talked to each other for hours. (no agreement: parlé, not parlés)
Anne et Sophie se sont écrit toutes les semaines pendant un an.
Anne and Sophie wrote to each other every week for a year. (écrire à → no agreement: écrit)
Elles se sont téléphoné après le rendez-vous.
They phoned each other after the meeting. (téléphoner à → no agreement: téléphoné)
Les deux candidats se sont menti pour gagner.
The two candidates lied to each other to win. (mentir à → no agreement: menti)
This is the part that surprises most learners: elles se sont téléphoné with no -es, even though the subject is feminine plural. The form is right because téléphoner takes à (you call to someone in French — see the page on transitive vs intransitive verbs), so se is replacing à elles, not a direct object.
The big twist: when there's a separate direct object
The rule sharpens when the sentence already contains a direct object after the verb. In elle s'est lavé les mains (she washed her hands), the direct object is les mains, which comes after the verb — not before. The se is then the indirect object (she washed the hands to herself, conceptually). No agreement on lavé.
Elle s'est lavé les mains avant de manger.
She washed her hands before eating. (les mains = direct object, after the verb → no agreement: lavé, not lavée)
Elles se sont lavées rapidement.
They washed quickly. (no separate direct object — se IS the direct object → agreement: lavées)
Marie s'est cassé la jambe au ski.
Marie broke her leg skiing. (la jambe = direct object after verb → no agreement: cassé)
Les enfants se sont brossé les dents.
The children brushed their teeth. (les dents = direct object → no agreement: brossé)
This is the same logic as the regular avoir-rule: the participle agrees with a direct object only if that direct object precedes the verb. Elle s'est lavé les mains — the direct object follows, so no agreement. But: les mains qu'elle s'est lavées — the direct object (qu') now precedes, so agreement returns.
Les mains qu'elle s'est lavées étaient sales.
The hands she washed were dirty. (preceding direct object → agreement: lavées)
A list to memorize: indirect-object reflexives
These verbs all take à + person, so the reflexive se is always indirect, and the participle never agrees in their reflexive use:
- se parler (to talk to oneself / each other)
- se dire (to say to oneself / tell each other)
- s'écrire (to write to oneself / each other)
- se téléphoner (to phone each other)
- se sourire (to smile at each other)
- se plaire (to like each other / be happy with oneself — though je me suis plu(e) sometimes shows agreement in idiomatic uses)
- se ressembler (to resemble each other)
- se nuire (to harm each other)
- se mentir (to lie to each other / oneself)
- se succéder (to succeed one another)
- se manquer (to miss each other — French manquer à construction: tu me manques = I miss you)
- se demander (to wonder, lit. ask oneself)
Les deux frères se sont ressemblé toute leur vie.
The two brothers resembled each other their whole lives. (ressembler à → no agreement)
Elle s'est demandé si c'était une bonne idée.
She wondered if it was a good idea. (demander à soi-même → no agreement: demandé)
Les générations se sont succédé sans grand changement.
The generations followed one another without much change. (succéder à → no agreement)
The verb se demander is particularly common in writing and frequently mishandled — it never agrees, no matter the subject's gender.
Why this exists: the logic underneath
The deep reason is that French past-participle agreement is a kind of patient-marking. The participle agrees with the noun phrase that names the patient — the entity the action affects most directly. With avoir verbs, that's the direct object; with être verbs of motion (partir, venir, arriver), the subject is the patient (the one moving); with pronominal verbs, you have to look at whether the se really represents the patient (direct-object reflexives) or merely a beneficiary (indirect-object reflexives).
In elle s'est lavée, the se is what was washed — the patient. In elle s'est lavé les mains, les mains is what was washed; se is just the person they belong to (the beneficiary). In elle s'est parlé, the se is who she talked to — recipient, not patient. The agreement-versus-no-agreement contrast preserves this semantic distinction in the spelling.
This won't be heard in conversation — parlé and parlés sound identical — but in writing, the absence of the -s signals the indirect-object reading, and getting it right is the mark of a careful writer.
Common Mistakes
❌ Elles se sont parlées pendant des heures.
Incorrect — *parler à* takes *à*, so *se* is indirect; no agreement.
✅ Elles se sont parlé pendant des heures.
They talked to each other for hours.
❌ Marie s'est lavée les mains.
Incorrect — *les mains* is the direct object (and follows the verb), so no agreement on the participle.
✅ Marie s'est lavé les mains.
Marie washed her hands.
❌ Elles se sont téléphonées tous les jours.
Incorrect — *téléphoner à* takes *à*, so *se* is indirect; no agreement.
✅ Elles se sont téléphoné tous les jours.
They phoned each other every day.
❌ Sophie s'est demandée pourquoi.
Incorrect — *demander à* takes *à*; no agreement.
✅ Sophie s'est demandé pourquoi.
Sophie wondered why.
❌ Ils se sont écrits pendant des années.
Incorrect — *écrire à* takes *à*; no agreement.
✅ Ils se sont écrit pendant des années.
They wrote to each other for years.
Key takeaways
- Pronominal verbs use être as auxiliary, but their participle agreement follows the avoir-rule: agreement with a preceding direct object.
- If the underlying verb takes a direct object (laver quelqu'un), the reflexive se is direct → participle agrees.
- If the underlying verb takes à
- person (parler à quelqu'un), the reflexive se is indirect → participle does not agree.
- When a separate direct object appears after the verb (elle s'est lavé les mains), no agreement on the participle — the se is now indirect (the beneficiary).
- The big indirect-object set to memorize: se parler, se dire, se téléphoner, s'écrire, se sourire, se plaire, se ressembler, se mentir, se demander, se succéder.
- This rule is invisible in speech (silent endings) but mandatory in writing.
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Start learning French→Related Topics
- Reflexive Pronouns: me, te, se, nous, vous, seA2 — Reflexive pronouns (me, te, se, nous, vous, se) accompany pronominal verbs and refer back to the subject. They sit before the verb in normal sentences, attach with hyphens after affirmative imperatives, and force the auxiliary être in compound tenses.
- L'Accord du Participe Passé des Verbes PronominauxB1 — Pronominal verbs use *être* in compound tenses but follow a different agreement rule than other *être* verbs: the past participle agrees with the reflexive pronoun *only when that pronoun is the direct object*. Body-part constructions and verbs taking *à quelqu'un* are the trap.
- Verbes Pronominaux Réciproques: action mutuelleA2 — Reciprocal pronominals express 'each other' or 'one another' — actions that plural subjects do mutually. The same little 'se' that marks reflexive verbs also carries the reciprocal load, with 'l'un l'autre' available when you need to remove ambiguity.
- L'Accord du Participe Passé: RécapitulatifB1 — Three rules for past participle agreement in French compound tenses, sorted by auxiliary: agreement with the subject (être), with a preceding direct object (avoir), or with the reflexive pronoun-when-it-is-the-direct-object (pronominal verbs).
- Les Pronoms Compléments d'Objet Indirect (COI)A1 — Indirect object pronouns — me, te, lui, nous, vous, leur — replace 'à + person'. They sit in front of the verb just like direct object pronouns, but the third-person forms (lui, leur) are completely distinct from le/la/les.
- Accord du Participe Passé avec le COD AntéposéB1 — When a direct object precedes the verb in a compound tense with avoir, the past participle agrees with it in gender and number — a hallmark of educated written French and a regular oral feature with consonant-final participles.