Learn Hardcore Finnish: Ystäväni sanoo, että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia, vaan se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme. - My friend says that appearance is not the most important thing, but how we treat each other.

In normal, neutral Finnish you very often use just the possessive suffix without minun, so Ystäväni sanoo is completely natural and roughly equals Minun ystäväni sanoo.

Using both (minun ystäväni) is also correct, but slightly more emphatic: my friend (as opposed to someone else’s) says…

Why is it sanoo and not sanon or sanovat? The subject feels like “my friend”, which is connected to “me”.

In Finnish, the verb agrees with the grammatical subject, not with the possessor.

Ystäväni is grammatically 3rd person singular (it’s “friend”, not “I” or “we”).
Therefore the verb must also be 3rd person singular: sanoo.

Conjugation of sanoa (to say) in the present tense (singular):

minä sanon – I say
sinä sanot – you say
hän sanoo – he/she says

Since ystäväni = my friend corresponds to he/she in grammar, we choose sanoo.

So:

Ystäväni sanoo = My friend says (he/she says)

What is the function of että in sanoo, että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia? Could you leave että out?

Että is a subordinating conjunction similar to English that in sentences like:

My friend says *that appearance is not the most important thing.*

It introduces a content clause: what the friend is saying.

So the structure is:

Ystäväni sanoo, että …
→ My friend says that …

In careful, correct Finnish, että is needed here. In very colloquial spoken Finnish you might sometimes hear people drop it (Ystäväni sanoo ulkonäkö ei ole…), but this sounds informal and somewhat non‑standard in writing.

For learners and in standard written Finnish, always keep että in this structure.

Why is there a comma before että: Ystäväni sanoo, että…?

In Finnish, a comma is placed before most subordinate clauses introduced by words like että, koska, kun, vaikka etc.

Ystäväni sanoo, että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia…
- Ystäväni sanoo = main clause
- että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia… = subordinate clause (what is said)

So the comma marks the boundary between the main clause and the content clause.

This is a standard punctuation rule in Finnish written language.

What does ulkonäkö mean literally, and is it related to ulko or näkö?

Ulkonäkö means appearance (how someone/something looks).

It’s a compound:

ulko = outside, exterior
näkö = sight, look, view

Put together:

ulkonäkö ≈ outer look → appearance

So in the sentence:

ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia
→ appearance is not the most important thing

Why is it ei ole tärkein asia and not something like ei tärkein asia? Do you always need ole with ei?

In this kind of copular sentence (“X is Y”) in Finnish, you normally keep the verb olla (to be) even in the negative:

ulkonäkö on tärkein asia – appearance is the most important thing
ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia – appearance is not the most important thing

So the negative form is:

ei ole (is not / am not / are not), with the person shown by the subject, not by the verb ending here.

You cannot just say ei tärkein asia in a normal, complete sentence. You need ole to link the subject and the predicate.

What exactly does tärkein asia mean, and how is tärkein formed?

tärkeä = important
tärkein = the most important
asia = thing, matter

So tärkein asia = the most important thing.

Tärkein is the superlative form of tärkeä.
Rough pattern:

tärkeä (positive) – important
tärkeämpi (comparative) – more important
tärkein (superlative) – most important

In the sentence:

ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia
→ appearance is not the most important thing

Why is it vaan and not mutta in …ei ole tärkein asia, vaan se, miten…? Aren’t they both “but”?

Both mutta and vaan can translate as but, but they are used differently.

Vaan is used especially after a negation, to mean but rather / but instead:

Se ei ole helppoa, vaan vaikeaa.
→ It is not easy, but rather difficult.

In the sentence:

ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia, vaan se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme
= appearance is not the most important thing, *but rather the way we treat each other.*

So the pattern is:

ei X, vaan Y
= not X, but (rather) Y

If you used mutta here (…ei ole tärkein asia, mutta se, miten…), it would sound odd or at least less natural, because you are correcting/replacing X with Y, not just adding a contrast.

Why is there a comma before vaan: …ei ole tärkein asia, vaan se, miten…?

In the common pattern ei X, vaan Y (not X, but rather Y), Finnish usually uses a comma before vaan.

Here:

ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia, vaan se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme

You have two contrasting parts:

ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia – appearance is not the most important thing
se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme – it is the way we treat each other

The comma clearly separates these two contrasted parts, and vaan marks the correction: Y instead of X.

What does se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme literally mean? How does this se, miten… structure work?

Literally:

se = that / the thing
miten = how
kohtelemme = we treat
toisiamme = each other

So se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme is something like:

the thing, how we treat each other
→ more naturally: the way we treat each other

The pattern se, miten… is very common:

Se, miten puhut, on tärkeää.
= The way you speak is important.

Here se is a sort of head noun (“that (thing)”) and miten… is a clause that describes it. Together they act as one noun phrase: the way/how X happens.

What verb is kohtelemme, and what form is it in?

The base verb is kohdella = to treat (someone).

Kohtelemme is the present tense, 1st person plural (we) of kohdella.
Spoken / colloquial Finnish often changes kohdella → kohdella/kohdella and then to kohdella/kohdella-type forms in dialects, but the standard present stem here is kohtele-:

minä kohtelen – I treat
sinä kohtelet – you treat
hän kohtelee – he/she treats
me kohtelemme – we treat
te kohtelette – you (pl.) treat
he kohtelevat – they treat

So miten kohtelemme toisiamme = how we treat each other.

What does toisiamme mean exactly, and why is it in that form?

Toisiamme comes from toinen = the other / another / each other.

For each other / one another, Finnish uses forms of toinen in the plural, often in the partitive case:

toinen (sg.) → toiset (pl.)
toinen toistaan / toisiamme / toisiaan etc. in different persons/cases

Toisiamme is:

plural stem toisi-
plus -amme, which here is the 1st person plural possessive/reciprocal ending
and in partitive case

Function:

kohdella jotakuta (to treat someone) usually takes the object in the partitive case.
So kohtelemme toisiamme = we treat each other
– literally: we treat (some) of each other → idiomatically each other.

Typical reciprocal patterns:

Me rakastamme toisiamme. – We love each other.
He auttavat toisiaan. – They help each other.

Could you also say ulkonäkö ei ole tärkeää, vaan se, miten…? How is that different from tärkein asia?

Yes, you could say:

Ystäväni sanoo, että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkeää, vaan se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme.

This means:

My friend says that appearance is not important, but rather the way we treat each other is.

Differences:

tärkein asia = the most important thing (superlative, very strong: top priority)
tärkeää = important (just important, not necessarily the most important)

So:

ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia
→ appearance is not the most important thing (it can still be somewhat important)
ulkonäkö ei ole tärkeää
→ appearance is not important (it doesn’t matter, or matters very little)

The original sentence emphasizes relative importance: other things (like how we treat each other) matter more than appearance.

Can the word order be changed, for example to Että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia, sanoo ystäväni? Would that still be correct?

Yes, Finnish allows fairly flexible word order, and:

Että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia, sanoo ystäväni.

is grammatically correct, though it sounds more stylistic / literary. It puts more emphasis on the content of what is said, almost like:

“That appearance is not the most important thing,” my friend says.

Neutral, everyday word order is:

Ystäväni sanoo, että ulkonäkö ei ole tärkein asia, vaan se, miten kohtelemme toisiamme.

So as a learner, prefer the original order, but be aware that Finnish can front the että‑clause for emphasis or stylistic reasons.