Learn Hardcore Spanish (Latin America): Si yo hubiera sido más paciente conmigo mismo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad. - If I had been more patient with myself, I would have avoided a lot of anxiety.

This is a past unreal (third) conditional, the same type as English “If I had been more patient with myself, I would have avoided a lot of anxiety.”

It expresses:

A hypothetical situation in the past that did not happen (I was not more patient).
A hypothetical past result that also did not happen (I did not avoid the anxiety).
Usually a feeling of regret, reflection, or self‑criticism about the past.

Why is “hubiera sido” used after “si” instead of a past tense like “fui” or “era”?

Because the clause with si talks about an unreal / contrary-to-fact past situation.

“hubiera sido” is the pluperfect (past perfect) subjunctive of ser.
In Spanish, when you say “If I had been X (but I wasn’t)” about the past, you normally use:
- si + pluperfect subjunctive → “Si (yo) hubiera sido…”
- and then a conditional perfect in the result: “habría evitado…”

Using “si fui” or “si era” would sound like you’re talking about a real situation in the past, not an unreal one:

Si fui más paciente, evité ansiedad. → If I was more patient (and I actually was), I avoided anxiety.
(Different meaning.)

What tense is “hubiera sido”, and how is it formed?

“Hubiera sido” is the pluperfect (past perfect) subjunctive of ser.

Formation:

Take the imperfect subjunctive of haber → hubiera / hubieses / hubiera / hubiéramos / hubieran
Add the past participle of the main verb.

So:

haber (imperfect subjunctive) → hubiera
ser (past participle) → sido
→ hubiera sido = had been (in a hypothetical / subjunctive sense)

Could I say “hubiese sido” or “había sido” instead of “hubiera sido”?

“Hubiese sido”:
Yes. “Si yo hubiese sido más paciente…” is grammatically correct and means the same.
- hubiera and hubiese are just two forms of the same tense (pluperfect subjunctive).
- In Latin America, hubiera is more common in everyday speech.
“Había sido”:
No, not in this structure. “Había sido” is pluperfect indicative, not subjunctive.
- Si yo había sido más paciente… sounds wrong or at least very strange here, because this is an unreal past condition, which calls for the subjunctive, not the indicative.

Why is “habría evitado” used, and what tense is it?

“Habría evitado” is the conditional perfect of evitar.

Formation:

conditional of haber → habría
past participle of evitar → evitado
→ habría evitado = would have avoided

In past unreal conditionals, Spanish typically uses:

Si + pluperfect subjunctive → Si yo hubiera sido…
conditional perfect in the result → habría evitado…

You can also hear:

Si yo hubiera sido más paciente, hubiera evitado mucha ansiedad.
(Pluperfect subjunctive in both parts; also common and accepted.)

Why do we use “sido” (from ser) and not “estado” (from estar) here?

Because ser is used for more permanent or characteristic qualities, and estar for states or conditions, especially temporary ones.

ser paciente = to be a patient person / to have patience as a trait or behavior.
estar paciente sounds odd; patience is usually not treated as a momentary physical state.

So:

hubiera sido más paciente = had been more patient (as a way of acting / as a quality)
That’s the natural way to say this.

Using “hubiera estado más paciente” is grammatically possible but sounds unnatural or off to most native speakers in this context.

Do I really need to say “yo”? Can I just say “Si hubiera sido más paciente conmigo mismo…”?

You can absolutely drop “yo”, and that’s actually more typical in natural Spanish:

Si hubiera sido más paciente conmigo mismo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad.

In Spanish, subject pronouns (yo, tú, él, etc.) are often omitted because the verb ending already shows the subject.
Here, hubiera and habría both point to “yo”.

You would keep “yo” if you want to:

Emphasize contrast: Si yo hubiera sido más paciente (and not someone else)…
Be very clear in a context where it might be ambiguous.

Why is it “conmigo mismo” and not just “conmigo” or “a mí mismo”?

conmigo = with me
conmigo mismo = with myself (emphasizing that you are treating yourself in a certain way)
a mí mismo = to myself (different preposition and slightly different nuance)

In this sentence, “ser paciente conmigo mismo” means:

to be patient with myself
It’s about the attitude you have toward yourself.

You could also say:

Si hubiera sido más paciente conmigo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad.
→ understandable and acceptable, but “conmigo mismo” is more explicit and sounds more natural when you mean “with myself” rather than just “with me” in a physical sense.

“A mí mismo” is more like:

decirme la verdad a mí mismo = to tell the truth to myself
not the most natural choice with paciente, where the preposition is normally con.

If the speaker is a woman, does it change to “conmigo misma”?

Yes.

The word “mismo/misma/mismos/mismas” agrees in gender and number with the person it refers to:

Man speaking:
Si yo hubiera sido más paciente conmigo mismo…
Woman speaking:
Si yo hubiera sido más paciente conmigo misma…
Group of men / mixed group:
…con nosotros mismos
Group of women:
…con nosotras mismas

So a female speaker would normally say “conmigo misma”.

Why is it “mucha ansiedad” and not “mucho ansiedad”?

Because “ansiedad” is a feminine noun in Spanish: la ansiedad.

Adjectives and quantifiers (like mucho/mucha) agree in gender and number with the noun:

mucha ansiedad → a lot of anxiety
poca ansiedad → little anxiety
tanta ansiedad → so much anxiety

If the noun were masculine, you’d use mucho:

mucho estrés (masculine: el estrés)

Could I change the word order, like “habría evitado ansiedad mucha”?

No, that would be incorrect or, at best, sound very wrong.

In Spanish:

Quantity words like mucho/mucha normally go before the noun:
- mucha ansiedad
- poco tiempo
Regular descriptive adjectives usually go after the noun:
- ansiedad extrema
- tiempo suficiente

So the natural order here is:

mucha ansiedad, not ansiedad mucha and definitely not ansiedad mucha evitado or similar.

Can I drop “si” and say something like “De haber sido más paciente conmigo mismo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad”?

Yes. That’s a more formal or literary structure, but it’s correct and natural:

De haber sido más paciente conmigo mismo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad.

This is similar to English “Had I been more patient with myself, I would have avoided…” (dropping “if”).

So, you have:

Neutral/common:
Si hubiera sido más paciente conmigo mismo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad.
More formal:
De haber sido más paciente conmigo mismo, habría evitado mucha ansiedad.

Both mean the same.

Is there a more colloquial way a Latin American speaker might express this same idea?

Yes, a very natural alternative in Latin American Spanish would be to use “ahorrarse”:

Si yo hubiera sido más paciente conmigo mismo, me habría ahorrado mucha ansiedad.

Here:

me habría ahorrado = I would have saved myself / spared myself (a lot of anxiety)
This sounds very idiomatic in everyday speech, while still being correct and clear.