Learn Hardcore Danish: Min ven har en kæreste, som plejer at komme til aftensmad. - My friend has a partner who usually comes for dinner.

Gender‑neutral: kæreste can be a boyfriend or girlfriend; the word itself does not show gender.
The gender is understood from context, from a pronoun (e.g. hans kæreste vs hendes kæreste), or from extra information.
It implies a romantic relationship, not just friendship.

So Min ven har en kæreste means “My friend has a romantic partner (a girlfriend/boyfriend).”

Why is it Min ven and not Mit ven?

Danish possessive pronouns agree with the grammatical gender and number of the noun, not with the owner.

ven (friend) is a common gender noun (en ven), so you use:
- min ven = my friend
If it were a neuter noun (et‑word), you’d use mit:
- mit hus = my house
For plurals, you use mine:
- mine venner = my friends

So min ven is correct because ven is an en‑word (common gender).

Can ven be both “male friend” and “female friend”? What about veninde?

Yes, ven is gender‑neutral in everyday speech and can refer to any friend:

ven = friend (any gender)
veninde = specifically a female friend

Modern usage:

Many Danes just say ven for both male and female friends, especially in neutral contexts.
veninde is still common if you want to emphasize that the friend is female.

In Min ven har en kæreste, ven could be a male or female friend; the sentence doesn’t specify.

Why is there har en kæreste (“has a partner”) and not something like “is dating someone”?

In Danish, at have en kæreste (literally “to have a boyfriend/girlfriend”) is the most natural everyday way to say that someone is in a romantic relationship.

Compare:

Min ven har en kæreste.
– “My friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend.” (They are in a relationship.)
Min ven er kærester med Anna.
– “My friend is in a relationship with Anna.” (Literally: is lovers with Anna.)

So har en kæreste is idiomatic and very common. It doesn’t sound possessive or strange in Danish; it’s just the normal phrase.

What does plejer at komme mean exactly? How is it different from just kommer?

Plejer at + infinitive expresses habit / usual behavior.

plejer at komme = “usually comes”, “tends to come”, “is in the habit of coming”

So:

Min ven har en kæreste, som plejer at komme til aftensmad.
– “My friend has a partner who usually comes for dinner.”
… som kommer til aftensmad.
– Could be understood as just stating a fact that they come (are coming) for dinner, without stressing that it’s a regular habit.

Plejer at focuses on the regularity / custom, not just the action itself.

Why is it plejer at komme and not plejer komme? What is the function of at here?

In Danish, most verbs that are followed by another verb in the infinitive use at (the infinitive marker), similar to English to:

plejer at komme = “usually to come” → “usually comes”
begynder at spise = “begins to eat”
elsker at læse = “loves to read”

So at is required before the infinitive komme.
Leaving it out (plejer komme) would be ungrammatical in standard Danish.

What does til aftensmad mean literally, and why do we use til here?

Literally:

aftensmad = the main evening meal (what English usually calls “dinner” or “supper”)
til = “to/for” in this context

So til aftensmad corresponds to English “for dinner”:

komme til aftensmad = “come for dinner”
komme til frokost = “come for lunch”

Danish commonly uses til with meals and events:

Vi kommer til festen. = We’re coming to the party.
De bliver til jul. = They’re staying for Christmas.

Here, til expresses purpose: they come with the purpose of having dinner.

Could I say til aftensmaden instead of til aftensmad? What’s the difference?

Both are possible, but there’s a nuance:

til aftensmad (indefinite)
– General, habitual: “for dinner (as a regular thing / in general)”.
– Fits very well with plejer at (a habit).
til aftensmaden (definite: the dinner)
– Refers to a specific dinner everyone already knows about.
– E.g. Kommer du til aftensmaden i morgen?
– “Are you coming to the (specific) dinner tomorrow?”

In your sentence, til aftensmad matches the idea of a regular habit.

What does aftensmad usually refer to? Is it always “dinner”?

Aftensmad is the evening meal, typically the main hot meal of the day, eaten around typical dinner time.

In English translations, it usually becomes “dinner” or “supper”, depending on your variety of English.

Be aware:

In some other Scandinavian languages or older Danish usage, middag can also refer to a main meal.
In modern everyday Danish, aftensmad is the standard neutral word for the evening meal.

Why is there a comma before som? Is it always necessary in such sentences?

The comma before som marks a relative clause:

Min ven har en kæreste, som plejer at komme til aftensmad.
– The part som plejer at komme til aftensmad describes en kæreste.

Danish comma rules are a bit flexible, but:

In traditional comma usage (startkomma), you must put a comma before a relative clause beginning with som, der, etc.
In newer / simplified usage, you may omit some commas, but a comma before a non‑restrictive relative clause (extra information) is still very common and usually preferred.

Here the comma is natural and standard, and you should learn to write it with a comma.

What does som do here? Can I use der instead?

In this sentence, som is a relative pronoun, referring back to en kæreste and acting as the subject of the clause som plejer at komme til aftensmad.

en kæreste, som plejer at komme…
– “a partner who usually comes…”

In many cases, som and der are interchangeable as subject relative pronouns:

Min ven har en kæreste, som plejer at komme til aftensmad.
Min ven har en kæreste, der plejer at komme til aftensmad.

Both are grammatically correct and mean the same.
Differences:

som often sounds a bit more neutral or slightly more formal/written.
der is very common in spoken Danish.

Important: you cannot omit som/der here; Danish does not allow leaving out the subject relative pronoun the way English sometimes does.