English collapses an enormous amount of information into one tiny word: "talk to him," "be nice to him," "learn from him." Chinese refuses to flatten these — it forces you to say what kind of relationship the action creates. Three coverbs do the work: 跟 (gēn), 对 (duì), and 向 (xiàng). All three are coverbs — verb-derived words that take a person as their object and sit before the main verb — but they encode three different geometries of interaction. The single question that sorts them: is the exchange mutual, is it an attitude pointed at someone, or is it a directed request from a source? Get that question right and you will pick correctly in sentences you have never seen.
跟: the two-way exchange
跟 (gēn) frames the other person as a partner in a mutual, two-directional activity. The archetypal 跟 verbs are ones that logically need two people: 商量 (discuss), 聊天 (chat), 吵架 (quarrel), 见面 (meet), 结婚 (marry). The interaction goes both ways — you and the other person are both engaged. This is the same 跟 covered on the 跟 / 和 'with' page; here we contrast it with its rivals.
这件事我得跟你商量一下。
zhè jiàn shì wǒ děi gēn nǐ shāngliang yíxià
I need to talk this over with you. (informal) — 商量 is a two-way exchange, so 跟.
我昨天跟老板吵了一架。
wǒ zuótiān gēn lǎobǎn chǎo le yí jià
I had a fight with my boss yesterday. (informal) — a quarrel takes two: mutual, so 跟.
有空跟我聊聊吧。
yǒu kòng gēn wǒ liáoliao ba
Chat with me when you're free. (informal) — chatting is mutual, hence 跟.
对: the one-way attitude or address
对 (duì) points an action or an attitude at someone, one-directionally. Two big families live here. First, speech and expression aimed at a listener: 对他说 (say to him), 对我笑 (smile at me), 对我喊 (shout at me) — the words or expression travel one way, from you to them. Second, and even more important, an attitude held toward someone or something: 对我好 (be good to me), 对学生严格 (be strict with students), 对这件事不满 (be dissatisfied about this). Here 对 also does the "regarding / about" job explored on the 对 'toward, regarding' page.
她回头对我笑了笑。
tā huítóu duì wǒ xiào le xiào
She turned around and smiled at me. (neutral) — the smile is aimed one way, so 对.
别对孩子大喊大叫。
bié duì háizi dàhǎn dàjiào
Don't yell at the kids. (informal) — shouting directed at someone: 对.
我妈对我特别好。
wǒ mā duì wǒ tèbié hǎo
My mom is especially good to me. (informal) — an attitude toward someone is always 对好, never 跟好.
老板对这个方案很不满意。
lǎobǎn duì zhège fāng'àn hěn bù mǎnyì
The boss is very unhappy about this proposal. (neutral) — feeling toward a thing: 对.
向: the directed, formal request or source
向 (xiàng) is the most formal of the three. Its core is a directed motion toward a target, and with a person it marks the one you direct a request at or draw something from. The two signature patterns are 向他学习 (learn from him / follow his example) and 向他借钱 (borrow money from him). Notice the surprising twist: with 向, the person can be the source — money, knowledge, or help flows from them to you, even though the arrow of 向 points toward them. This same directional 向 is treated as a direction coverb on the 向 'toward' page.
我想向您请教一个问题。
wǒ xiǎng xiàng nín qǐngjiào yí gè wèntí
I'd like to consult you on a question. (formal) — 向 with 您 is polite and respectful.
我们都应该向他学习。
wǒmen dōu yīnggāi xiàng tā xuéxí
We should all follow his example. (formal) — 向…学习 'emulate' is a fixed formal frame.
他向银行贷了一笔款。
tā xiàng yínháng dài le yì bǐ kuǎn
He took out a loan from the bank. (neutral/formal) — the money comes from the bank, marked by 向.
The 说 test: 跟他说 / 对他说 / 向他说明
Speech verbs are the classic minefield because more than one coverb is grammatical — with a real shift in tone. Line them up:
| Phrase | Register / nuance | What it implies |
|---|---|---|
| 跟他说 (gēn tā shuō) | informal, conversational | tell him / talk to him — feels like an exchange |
| 对他说 (duì tā shuō) | neutral, more pointed | say to him — words aimed one way, often before a quote |
| 向他说明 (xiàng tā shuōmíng) | formal | explain to him — a formal, deliberate account |
In everyday speech, "tell him I'm not coming" is most naturally 跟他说. Reserve 对他说 for a slightly weightier, one-directional pronouncement, and 向 for formal registers (reports, announcements, respectful requests). Note that 向…说话 for plain "talk to someone" sounds stiff and wrong — mutual talking is 跟.
你跟他说一声，明天不用来了。
nǐ gēn tā shuō yì shēng, míngtiān bú yòng lái le
Just tell him he doesn't need to come tomorrow. (informal) — casual message-passing: 跟.
经理向全体员工说明了新规定。
jīnglǐ xiàng quántǐ yuángōng shuōmíng le xīn guīdìng
The manager explained the new rules to all staff. (formal) — a formal account to an audience: 向.
There is one honest gray area worth flagging. For "learn a skill from someone," colloquial Chinese happily says 跟他学画画 (learn painting from him, apprentice-style), while the fixed, admiring "learn from / emulate" is 向他学习. And "borrow from someone" is 跟他借 (informal) or 向他借 (formal) — both fine, but never 对他借. The rule of thumb: 对 is the one that cannot mark a source.
Common Mistakes
1. Using 跟 for an attitude that should be 对. "Be good to me," "be strict with us," "be unfair to him" are all attitudes toward someone — 对, not 跟.
❌ 老师跟我们很严格。
Incorrect — an attitude directed at people needs 对, not 跟.
✅ 老师对我们很严格。
lǎoshī duì wǒmen hěn yángé
The teacher is very strict with us. — 对 for attitude toward.
2. Using 对 for a mutual activity that needs 跟. Discussing, meeting, quarreling and marrying are two-way — reach for 跟.
❌ 这件事我想对你商量。
Incorrect — a discussion is mutual, so 跟, not 对.
✅ 这件事我想跟你商量。
zhè jiàn shì wǒ xiǎng gēn nǐ shāngliang
I'd like to discuss this with you. — 跟 for the two-way exchange.
3. Using 对 to mark a source. Borrowing, learning, and requesting draw from a person — that's 跟 or 向, and 对 is simply wrong.
❌ 我对他借了点钱。
Incorrect — 对 cannot mark a source; use 跟 (informal) or 向 (formal).
✅ 我跟他借了点钱。
wǒ gēn tā jiè le diǎn qián
I borrowed a bit of money from him. — 跟 (or, more formally, 向).
4. Using formal 向 for casual conversation. 向 in a chatty sentence sounds stiff and bookish.
❌ 我想向你说话。
Unnatural — plain talking is mutual and casual: use 跟.
✅ 我想跟你说话。
wǒ xiǎng gēn nǐ shuōhuà
I want to talk with you. — 跟 for ordinary, two-way talking.
Key Takeaways
- 跟 (gēn) = a two-way, mutual exchange: 跟他商量, 跟我聊天, 跟她结婚.
- 对 (duì) = a one-way attitude or utterance aimed at someone: 对我笑, 对我好, 对这件事不满. 对 can never mark a source.
- 向 (xiàng) = a directed, formal request where the person is target or source: 向他学习, 向银行借钱, 向大家问好.
- With speech verbs all three can appear: 跟他说 (casual) · 对他说 (pointed) · 向他说明 (formal).
- The fastest sort: mutual → 跟, pointed-at → 对, formal-directed → 向.
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- 跟 / 和 (gēn / hé): WithHSK 1 — 跟 (gēn) and 和 (hé) both mean 'with (someone)' — they put the co-participant before the verb: 跟朋友吃饭 (eat with friends), 和他一起去 (go together with him). 跟 is colloquial, 和 more neutral, and as noun-joiners ('X and Y') they link only nouns, never clauses.
- 对 (duì): Toward / RegardingHSK 2 — 对 (duì) points an attitude, feeling, or effect at a person or topic — 'to / toward / about / for': 他对我很好 (he's good to me), 我对历史很感兴趣 (interested in history), 对身体不好 (bad for your health). The 对-phrase leads, before the predicate that carries the stance.
- 向 (xiàng): Toward / From (a Person)HSK 3 — 向 (xiàng) points an action toward a direction or, more distinctively, toward a person as the target — or even the source — of that action: 向前走 (move forward), 向他学习 (learn from him), 向大家问好 (give everyone my regards). It is more abstract and more formal than 往.
- 跟 vs 对 vs 向: Talking 'To' SomeoneHSK 3 — Three coverbs all translate as English 'to (someone)', but each frames the relationship differently: 跟 (gēn) is a two-way, mutual exchange (跟他商量 'discuss with him'); 对 (duì) is a one-way attitude or utterance aimed at someone (对他说 'say to him', 对我好 'be good to me'); 向 (xiàng) is a directed, more formal request or source (向他学习 'learn from him', 向他借钱 'borrow from him').