속담 둘: 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다 · 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다 | Korean Grammar

Koreans have a whole shelf of proverbs about talk — how you speak, and who might be listening. Two of them are so grammatically rich that they are worth reading side by side, because they solve the same problem (packing a general truth into one line) with opposite particle strategies. The first, 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다, states a rule of reciprocity with bare 이 subjects; the second, 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다, builds a balanced antithesis on 은/는. Both are proverbial 한다체 (plain declarative).

Proverb 1 — 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다

가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다.

ganeun mari gowaya oneun mari gopda

The words that go must be gracious for the words that come to be gracious. — Kind words invite kind words. (proverb)

The image is a conversation as an exchange of moving objects: your words "go" out, the other person's words "come" back. Phrase by phrase:

가는 말이 / 오는 말이 — "the words that go / the words that come." 말 is words, speech; 가는 and 오는 are the attributive present of 가다 (go) and 오다 (come). A verb turned into a modifier of a following noun takes -는 in the present, so 가는 말 = "words that go," 오는 말 = "words that come." Both phrases are then marked as subjects with 이 (말이), the plain subject particle after a consonant. (See the attributive forms table.)

고와야 — "only if [they] are gracious." Two things are happening. The adjective is 곱다 ("be pretty, gracious, fine"), a ㅂ-irregular: before a vowel the ㅂ becomes 오/우, so 곱- + -아 → 고와. Onto that goes the necessity conditional -아야/어야 ("only if / must"): 고와 + 야 = 고와야, "only if [they] are gracious." This ending fuses two English ideas — the "if" of a condition and the "only then / must" of necessity — into a single suffix. It sets up a prerequisite: the returning words can only be kind if the outgoing ones were. (See the necessity -아야/어야.)

곱다 — "are gracious." The result clause, the adjective 곱다 in its plain form. Here the ㅂ survives because it sits before the consonant 다.

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-아야/어야 is one of Korean's tidiest fusions: it packs "if" and "only then / must" into one ending. 고와야 곱다 = "only if [they] are gracious will [they] be gracious." English needs two or three words ("only if," "must," "before") to say what this single suffix says.

The ㅂ-irregular is worth pausing on, because 곱다 belongs to the small subclass where ㅂ turns into 오 (→ 와), not 우 (→ 워). Compare 곱다 → 고와 and 돕다 → 도와 with the majority pattern 춥다 → 추워, 덥다 → 더워. Watch 곱다 flex across a vowel:

곱게 말해야 곱게 돌아와.

gopge malhaeya gopge dorawa

You have to speak kindly for kindness to come back. (informal — the proverb's logic in one line, echoing 고와야 with 말해야)

Its natural use is de-escalation — reminding someone (or yourself) that a soft opening earns a soft reply:

가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다고, 먼저 부드럽게 말해 봐.

ganeun mari gowaya oneun mari gopdago, meonjeo budeureopge malhae bwa

Kind words invite kind words, so try speaking gently first. (informal)

네가 그렇게 쏘아붙이니까 상대도 화내지, 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱잖아.

nega geureoke ssoabuchinikka sangdaedo hwanaeji, ganeun mari gowaya oneun mari gopjana

You snapped at them, so of course they snapped back — kind words invite kind words, remember? (informal)

Proverb 2 — 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다

낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다.

nanmareun saega deutgo bammareun jwiga deunneunda

Day-words the birds hear, and night-words the mice hear. — Walls have ears. (proverb)

This one is built as a mirror. Two clauses, identical in shape, differing only in "day/bird" versus "night/mouse":

낮말은 … 밤말은 … — "as for day-words … as for night-words …." 낮말 is "words spoken by day," 밤말 "words spoken by night." Each carries the topic-contrast 은, and this is the engine of the saying: the parallel 은 … 은 sets up an "as-for-X … as-for-Y" antithesis, the two halves weighed against each other. Swap in a plain subject 이/가 and the balance collapses. (See the topic particle 은/는.)

새가 / 쥐가 — "birds / mice (as the ones who hear)." Here the animals are the real subjects of 듣다, marked with 가 (after the vowels 새, 쥐). So each clause is "As for [day-words], [birds] hear [them]" — the words are the topic, the animal is the subject, and the object "them" is simply dropped. This division of labor — 은/는 on the framed topic, 이/가 on the acting subject — is the backbone of the antithesis. (See the subject particle 이/가.)

듣고 … 듣는다 — "hear, and … hear." The first clause ends in the listing connective -고 ("and"), stringing the two parallel statements together; the second ends in the gnomic plain present -는다. Because 듣다 is a consonant stem, the present is -는다 (not the vowel-stem -ㄴ다), giving 듣는다 — and, like every proverb, it is a timeless truth, not a report of this moment. (See the listing -고.)

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Notice the split strategy across the two proverbs. Proverb 1 states a rule with bare 이 subjects (가는 말이 … 오는 말이 …), which reads as a flat definition of how things work. Proverb 2 states a contrast with 은/는 topics (낮말은 … 밤말은 …), which reads as a weighed, balanced antithesis. Choosing 이/가 vs 은/는 is exactly what gives each its feel — definitional versus antithetical.

It is a warning to lower your voice — someone always overhears:

여기서 그런 얘기 하지 마, 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다잖아.

yeogiseo geureon yaegi haji ma, nanmareun saega deutgo bammareun jwiga deunneundajana

Don't talk about that here — walls have ears, you know. (informal)

벽에도 귀가 있으니까 조심해, 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는대.

byeogedo gwiga isseunikka josimhae, nanmareun saega deutgo bammareun jwiga deunneundae

The walls have ears, so be careful — they say the birds hear day-words and the mice hear night-words. (informal)

What to notice

Attributive -는 turns a verb into a noun-modifier in the present: 가는 말, 오는 말 = "words that go / come."
-아야/어야 = "only if / must," a single ending fusing condition and necessity. The proverb's whole logic (kindness requires kindness first) rides on it.
곱다 is ㅂ-irregular, and one of the 오-type: 곱다 → 고와 / 고운 (like 돕다 → 도와), not 곱아.
은/는 vs 이/가 is a stylistic switch: bare 이 in proverb 1 states a rule; parallel 은/는 in proverb 2 builds a balanced antithesis.
-고 lists, and -는다 is gnomic — the timeless plain present that keeps a proverb permanently true.

Common Mistakes

1. Keeping the ㅂ in 곱다 before a vowel. 곱다 is ㅂ-irregular: before the -아야 ending, ㅂ → 오, giving 고와야 — not 곱아야.

❌ 가는 말이 곱아야 오는 말이 곱다.

Wrong conjugation — 곱다 is ㅂ-irregular: 곱- + -아야 → 고와야, never 곱아야.

✅ 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다.

ganeun mari gowaya oneun mari gopda

Kind words invite kind words.

2. Weakening -아야 to plain -(으)면. 고우면 ("if [they] are pretty") is grammatical, but it drops the "only if / must" force; the proverb insists kindness is a necessary precondition, which needs -아야.

❌ 가는 말이 고우면 오는 말이 곱다.

Weaker than the proverb — -(으)면 is plain 'if'; the saying uses -아야 'ONLY if / must,' making outgoing kindness a necessary condition.

✅ 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다.

ganeun mari gowaya oneun mari gopda

Kind words invite kind words.

3. Using the past attributive 간/온 instead of the present 가는/오는. The proverb is a general truth, so the modifier must be the present -는; 간 말 / 온 말 would mean specific "words that (already) went / came."

❌ 간 말이 고와야 온 말이 곱다.

Wrong tense of the modifier — 간/온 is past ('words that went/came'); a general truth needs the present attributive 가는/오는.

✅ 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다.

ganeun mari gowaya oneun mari gopda

Kind words invite kind words.

4. Scrambling 은/는 and 이/가 in proverb 2. The words are the contrastive topics (낮말은, 밤말은) and the animals are the subjects (새가, 쥐가); swapping them destroys the antithesis and the sense.

❌ 낮말이 새는 듣고 밤말이 쥐는 듣는다.

Roles reversed — the WORDS are the topics (낮말은/밤말은) and the ANIMALS are the subjects (새가/쥐가). Swapping the particles wrecks the balance and the meaning.

✅ 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다.

nanmareun saega deutgo bammareun jwiga deunneunda

Day-words the birds hear, and night-words the mice hear.

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Proverb 1 — 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다

Proverb 2 — 낮말은 새가 듣고 밤말은 쥐가 듣는다

What to notice

Common Mistakes

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