English hands you one all-purpose word — sorry — for everything from "sorry, what?" to "I'm so sorry for your loss." You adjust the weight with tone and add-ons ("I'm really sorry"), but the word never changes. Chinese instead grades the apology lexically: it gives you a small ladder of different words, and picking the right rung is most of getting it right. Reach too low and a real offence sounds shrugged off; reach too high and a trivial bump sounds like a courtroom confession. This page sorts the ladder from lightest to heaviest and shows how to match the word to the size of the fault. For the closely-related job of merely flagging a stranger (not apologizing at all), see getting attention & interrupting.
The apology ladder, lightest to heaviest
| Expression | Pinyin | Weight | Typical use |
|---|---|---|---|
| 不好意思 | bù hǎoyìsi | light | a bump, being a little late, a small favor, mild embarrassment |
| 对不起 | duìbuqǐ | real | a genuine fault — you hurt, wronged, or seriously inconvenienced someone |
| 抱歉 | bàoqiàn | formal | writing, announcements, business, service — polished and slightly distant |
| 真的很抱歉 / 非常抱歉 | zhēn de hěn bàoqiàn | heavy | a real, serious apology with feeling |
| 请原谅 (我) | qǐng yuánliàng (wǒ) | heaviest | asking forgiveness outright; formal or emotional |
不好意思: the low-stakes default
不好意思 literally means "ill at ease / embarrassed," and that mild self-conscious note is exactly what it carries. It is the everyday apology for small friction: you're a couple of minutes late, you brushed someone's arm, you're asking a tiny favor. It is not a real apology — think of it as a verbal apologetic smile.
不好意思，我来晚了。
bù hǎoyìsi, wǒ lái wǎn le
Sorry I'm a bit late. (informal) — mild tardiness, so the light rung fits.
不好意思，踩到你了。
bù hǎoyìsi, cǎi dào nǐ le
Oops, sorry — I stepped on you. (informal) — a small physical bump.
对不起: a real apology
对不起 is the word for a genuine fault. Its makeup is worth knowing: 对得起 means "to be able to face (someone) squarely / to do right by them," so 对不起 is literally "unable to face you" — I've fallen short of what I owed you. That built-in weight is why it feels heavy for trivial things but exactly right when you've actually wronged someone.
对不起，是我的错。
duìbuqǐ, shì wǒ de cuò
I'm sorry — it's my fault. (neutral) — owning a genuine mistake.
对不起，我不应该那样跟你说话。
duìbuqǐ, wǒ bù yīnggāi nàyàng gēn nǐ shuōhuà
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. (neutral) — a real interpersonal wrong.
抱歉: the formal, written rung
抱歉 ("to harbor regret") is the register-lifted apology. It shows up in service settings, business email, and public announcements, where it sounds polished and a touch impersonal. In casual speech between friends it can feel slightly stiff — you'd more likely say 对不起 or 不好意思 — but it's the default for anything official or written. A formal 抱歉 also cushions the delivery of bad news; see softening bad news.
抱歉，让您久等了。
bàoqiàn, ràng nín jiǔ děng le
Apologies for keeping you waiting. (formal) — polished service register with 您.
由于天气原因，本次航班延误，我们深表抱歉。
yóuyú tiānqì yuányīn, běn cì hángbān yánwù, wǒmen shēn biǎo bàoqiàn
Due to weather, this flight is delayed; we sincerely apologize. (formal) — the announcement register uses 抱歉, not 对不起.
The top of the ladder: 真的很抱歉 / 请原谅
For a serious harm — you lost something of theirs, broke a promise, caused real trouble — a bare 对不起 can sound too flat. Intensify it (真的很抱歉, 非常抱歉) or ask outright for forgiveness with 请原谅. This is the rung you reach for when the apology needs to land.
真的很抱歉，我把你借我的书弄丢了。
zhēn de hěn bàoqiàn, wǒ bǎ nǐ jiè wǒ de shū nòng diū le
I'm really sorry — I lost the book you lent me. (neutral) — a real loss earns the intensified apology.
请原谅我这次的疏忽，以后不会再发生了。
qǐng yuánliàng wǒ zhè cì de shūhu, yǐhòu bú huì zài fāshēng le
Please forgive my oversight this time; it won't happen again. (formal) — 请原谅 explicitly asks for pardon.
打扰了: sorry for the intrusion
A different flavor: 打扰 means "to disturb," so 打扰了 / 打扰一下 / 打扰您了 apologizes specifically for intruding on someone's time or space — knocking, interrupting, or excusing yourself as you leave. It's not about a fault; it's about the imposition.
打扰了，我先走了，你们继续聊。
dǎrǎo le, wǒ xiān zǒu le, nǐmen jìxù liáo
Sorry to have intruded — I'll head off, you two carry on. (neutral) — 打扰了 on exit.
Answering an apology: 没关系 / 没事儿 / 不要紧
When someone apologizes to you, waving it off is expected. The standard replies:
| Reply | Pinyin | Register |
|---|---|---|
| 没关系 | méi guānxi | neutral, "it doesn't matter / no worries" |
| 没事儿 | méi shìr | informal, northern flavor, "it's nothing" |
| 不要紧 | bú yàojǐn | neutral, "it's not serious / no harm done" |
没关系，别放在心上。
méi guānxi, bié fàng zài xīn shàng
It's fine, don't give it another thought. (neutral) — the standard reply to an apology.
不要紧，我一点儿都不疼。
bú yàojǐn, wǒ yìdiǎnr dōu bù téng
No harm done — it doesn't hurt a bit. (informal) — reassuring after a small bump.
Common Mistakes
1. Firing 对不起 at something trivial. For a two-minute delay or a light bump, 对不起 sounds theatrical, as if you'd done real damage. Drop to 不好意思.
❌ 对不起，我迟到了两分钟。
Over-heavy — a two-minute delay isn't a genuine wrong; use 不好意思.
✅ 不好意思，我迟到了两分钟。
bù hǎoyìsi, wǒ chídào le liǎng fēnzhōng
Sorry, I'm two minutes late. — the light rung matches a light offence.
2. Using 不好意思 for a serious harm. When you've genuinely wronged someone, the light word reads as if you're brushing it off. Climb the ladder.
❌ 不好意思，我把你的电脑摔坏了。
Too light — breaking someone's laptop needs 真的很抱歉 or 对不起, not the casual 不好意思.
✅ 真的很抱歉，我把你的电脑摔坏了。
zhēn de hěn bàoqiàn, wǒ bǎ nǐ de diànnǎo shuāi huài le
I'm so sorry — I dropped and broke your laptop. — the weight matches the harm.
3. Answering 谢谢 with 没关系. 没关系 answers an apology, not thanks. English "no problem" covers both, so this transfer error is extremely common.
❌ 没关系。
Wrong reply to 谢谢 ('thank you') — 没关系 answers an apology, not thanks.
✅ 不客气。
bú kèqi
You're welcome. — the correct reply to 谢谢.
4. Using 对不起 merely to squeeze past. To get someone to make way, that's not an apology at all — use the attention-getters, not 对不起.
❌ 对不起，让一下。
Odd — 对不起 is a real apology; to make way use 不好意思 or 借过一下.
✅ 不好意思，让一下。
bù hǎoyìsi, ràng yíxià
Excuse me, let me squeeze past. — light flag, no apology needed.
Key Takeaways
- Chinese grades apologies by word, not just by tone: 不好意思 (light) < 对不起 (real) < 抱歉 (formal) < 真的很抱歉 / 请原谅 (heavy).
- 不好意思 is the low-stakes default for small friction and doubles as "excuse me"; 对不起 is reserved for genuine faults.
- 抱歉 is the formal/written rung — announcements, business, service — and can feel stiff between friends.
- 打扰了 apologizes for intruding, not for a fault.
- Answer an apology with 没关系 / 没事儿 / 不要紧; answer thanks with 不客气 — don't let English "no problem" merge them.
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Start learning Chinese→Related Topics
- Getting Attention & InterruptingHSK 2 — Before you ask a stranger anything, you open the channel: 不好意思 (excuse me) to flag someone or squeeze past, 请问 (may I ask) to preface a question, 打扰一下 to interrupt someone busy, 劳驾/借过 to get through a crowd. The classic error is using 对不起 — a real apology — just to get attention.
- Thanking & RespondingHSK 1 — Thanks and their scripted replies: 谢谢 (xièxie) 'thanks', 多谢 (duōxiè) 'many thanks', 太感谢了 (tài gǎnxiè le) 'thank you so much', 麻烦你了 (máfan nǐ le) 'sorry to trouble you'; and the replies 不客气 (bú kèqi) / 不用谢 (búyòng xiè) / 没事儿 (méishìr) / 应该的 (yīnggāi de). The reply to 谢谢 is never another 谢谢 — and among close friends, thanking too much can sound cold.
- Softening Bad News & DisagreementHSK 4 — To deliver bad news or disagree, Chinese cushions with hedges: 不好意思 (bù hǎoyìsi) 'sorry', 其实 (qíshí) 'actually', 可能 (kěnéng) 'maybe', 有点儿 (yǒudiǎnr) 'a bit', 我觉得…不太… 'I feel it's not quite…'. Notice 有点儿 leans negative, and prefacing with 可能/其实 downgrades a hard claim to a gentle suggestion.