舍不得 (shěbude) is one of those Chinese words that makes English speakers slow down, because English has no single word for it. It means "can't bear to part with / give up / let go" — a feeling that fuses reluctance and attachment: it would cost you emotionally to lose this, spend this, or leave this behind. Its positive twin 舍得 (shěde) is "be willing to part with," but you'll meet it far less often, because the whole notion clusters around not being able to let go. This isn't plain "want" or "not want" — it's about emotional cost, and that nuance is the entire point.
舍不得: can't bear to part with
The core use is emotional: you're attached to something — a place, a person, an object, even a moment — and giving it up hurts.
在这儿住了十年，真舍不得搬走。
zài zhèr zhù le shí nián, zhēn shěbude bān zǒu
After ten years living here, I really can't bear to move away. (informal) — attachment to a place.
她舍不得扔掉奶奶留下的旧照片。
tā shěbude rēngdiào nǎinai liúxià de jiù zhàopiàn
She can't bring herself to throw out the old photos her grandmother left. (neutral) — attachment to a keepsake.
这块蛋糕太漂亮了，我都舍不得吃。
zhè kuài dàngāo tài piàoliang le, wǒ dōu shěbude chī
This cake is so pretty I can't even bring myself to eat it. (informal) — 舍不得 even about small, tender things.
我舍不得你走。
wǒ shěbude nǐ zǒu
I can't bear for you to leave. (informal) — the object can be another person's action: 你走.
The structure: a potential 得 / 不得 pair
舍得 / 舍不得 is built from the verb 舍 (shě, "to give up, relinquish") plus a potential complement: 舍得 = "able to give up," 舍不得 = "unable to give up." It follows the same 得 / 不得 pattern as other potential complements like 吃得完 / 吃不完 ("can / can't finish eating") — see the potential 得 / 不得 complement. What makes this pair special is that it has lexicalised: over time 舍不得 froze into a fixed unit with a specifically emotional meaning, so you treat it as one word, not a phrase you re-assemble.
假期结束了，大家都舍不得离开。
jiàqī jiéshù le, dàjiā dōu shěbude líkāi
The holiday's over, and nobody wants to leave. (neutral) — 舍不得 as a single lexical unit before 离开.
What you 舍不得: money, time, people, comfort
The thing you can't part with runs the full range — cash you'd have to spend, time you'd have to give, people you'd have to leave, comfort you'd have to sacrifice. That breadth is why one Chinese word covers what English needs a whole phrase for.
| You can't bear to give up… | Example |
|---|---|
| money (spend it) | 舍不得花钱 (shěbude huā qián) — reluctant to spend |
| a person (leave them) | 舍不得孩子 (shěbude háizi) — can't bear to let the child go |
| a place (leave it) | 舍不得离开 (shěbude líkāi) — can't bear to leave |
| an object (throw it out) | 舍不得扔 (shěbude rēng) — can't bring oneself to toss it |
孩子要上大学了，妈妈心里特别舍不得。
háizi yào shàng dàxué le, māma xīnli tèbié shěbude
The child's off to university, and Mom just can't bear to let go. (informal) — 舍不得 standing almost on its own as a feeling.
舍得 (positive): willing to spend / let go
The positive 舍得 is the readiness to part with something — most often money, where it means "willing to splash out." It's less frequent, and it often appears in contrast with 舍不得.
他平时很省，可对朋友特别舍得花钱。
tā píngshí hěn shěng, kě duì péngyou tèbié shěde huā qián
He's usually thrifty, but with friends he's really generous with his wallet. (informal) — 舍得花钱 = happy to spend.
这么贵，我舍不得买给自己，但舍得买给你。
zhème guì, wǒ shěbude mǎi gěi zìjǐ, dàn shěde mǎi gěi nǐ
It's so pricey I can't bring myself to buy it for me — but I'll gladly buy it for you. (informal) — the pair side by side.
舍不得孩子套不着狼。
shěbude háizi tào bu zháo láng
You can't catch the wolf if you can't bear to risk the child. (proverb) — a set saying: nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Common Mistakes
1. Flattening it to 不想 ("don't want"). 不想走 is "don't feel like leaving"; 舍不得走 is the emotional wrench of leaving. Losing that nuance loses the word.
❌ 要走的时候，我不想离开这里。
Too flat — 不想 is just 'don't feel like.' For the ache of leaving somewhere you love, 我舍不得离开这里.
✅ 要走的时候，我舍不得离开这里。
yào zǒu de shíhou, wǒ shěbude líkāi zhèlǐ
When it was time to go, I couldn't bear to leave this place. — the emotional cost, so 舍不得.
2. Breaking the frozen pair (*舍不了). The potential slot is fixed as 得 / 不得; it can't become 了.
❌ 我舍不了这些老照片。
Not a word — the pair is 舍得 / 舍不得, never *舍不了. Say 我舍不得这些老照片.
✅ 我舍不得这些老照片。
wǒ shěbude zhèxiē lǎo zhàopiàn
I can't bear to part with these old photos. — the fixed 舍不得.
3. Confusing "unwilling to spend" with "can't afford." 舍不得花钱 means you have the money but hate to part with it; 花不起 means you can't afford it. Very different.
❌ 我很有钱，但是花不起买那个包。
Contradiction — 花不起 means 'can't afford,' which clashes with 'I'm rich.' If you have the money but won't spend it, say 舍不得买那个包.
✅ 我买得起，但是舍不得买那个包。
wǒ mǎi de qǐ, dànshì shěbude mǎi nàge bāo
I can afford it, but I can't bring myself to buy that bag. — able (买得起) yet reluctant (舍不得).
4. Using it for things you have no attachment to. 舍不得 needs real emotional cost; applied to junk it sounds odd.
❌ 这个垃圾我舍不得扔。
Odd — nobody is attached to trash, so 舍不得 is misplaced. Just say 这个垃圾扔了吧 ('let's toss this trash').
✅ 这条旧围巾是妈妈织的，我舍不得扔。
zhè tiáo jiù wéijīn shì māma zhī de, wǒ shěbude rēng
This old scarf was knitted by my mom — I can't bring myself to throw it out. — genuine attachment, so 舍不得 fits.
Key Takeaways
- 舍不得 (shěbude) = "can't bear to part with / give up / leave," fusing reluctance and attachment — the emotional-cost modal English has no single word for.
- Its positive twin 舍得 (shěde) = "willing to part with / spend," most often about money (舍得花钱 "happy to spend") — and it's the less common member.
- It's a lexicalised potential 得 / 不得 pair built on 舍 ("give up"): the 不 sits inside (舍不得), and the slot can't become 了 (*舍不了 is wrong).
- It is not plain 不想 ("don't feel like") — the meaning hinges on emotional cost: money, time, people, comfort you'd hate to lose.
- Don't confuse 舍不得花钱 (has money, hates to spend) with 花不起 (can't afford).
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- 肯 (kěn): Be Willing / Consent ToHSK 4 — 肯 (kěn) marks willingness with a nuance of consenting despite reluctance: 他肯帮忙 'he's willing to help,' 她不肯说 'she refuses to tell,' 只要你肯努力 'as long as you're willing to work hard.' The negative 不肯 is a firm 'refuses to' — much stronger than 不想.
- 愿意 (yuànyì): Be Willing ToHSK 3 — 愿意 (yuànyì) expresses heartfelt willingness or consent — 我愿意帮你 'I'm willing to help you', and the wedding vow 我愿意 'I do'. It marks agreement to act, distinct from 想 (mere wish) and 肯 (grudging consent). Negation: 不愿意.
- 花 (huā): Spend Money and TimeHSK 3 — 花 (huā) 'spend' covers both money and time — 花钱, 花时间 — in the frames 花 + amount + doing and 花 + amount + 在…上; one verb where English splits 'spend' and 'take'.
- Potential 得了 / 不了 (liǎo)HSK 4 — 得了 / 不了 (de liǎo / bu liǎo) is the all-purpose potential complement meaning an action can or can't be carried through — 去不了 (can't make it), 吃不了 (can't manage it all), 受不了 (can't stand it). The 了 here is read liǎo 'bring off', not le.